Assertiveness Without a Word

by May Bleeker, 30 July 2009

Assertiveness is more than just what you say and how you say it. How you carry yourself tells people a great deal about you. Projecting yourself with confidence and self esteem is a way of asserting yourself without saying anything.

Physical Billboard

Think of your body and facial expressions as your PR company. They are billboards that 'advertise' what you think and feel on a regular basis. They 'assert' who you are.

When thoughts and feelings become a habit they drop out of consciousness and become 'second nature'. This 'second nature' is expressed in your body posture, the sound of your voice, the way you make eye contact, the way you sit in a chair, how you move, and your facial expressions. It is also expressed in the choices you make in clothes, haircuts and grooming. Your assertiveness and impact on others depends as much on these things as the messages you convey with words.

You may be totally unaware of it, but your body language may be giving away a whole lot of information about you that you'd rather keep to yourself.

It might be important to you to express your personality through your clothes and hairstyle, but regardless of what you prefer, you should be aware that your choices send a message to other people. If you want to send a message of self confidence you have to express this with your body.

Examples of physical assertivenes (or lack thereof):

Voice

Is the tone of your voice soft and timid or squeaky? Do you mumble or speak unclearly? Is the sound of your voice grating or whining, sing-song or muffled? Are you able to project your voice across a table or room when needed?

How and where you sit

When you sit at a table do you slouch back, sit low or fold yourself up? Do you sit tall? Or on the edge of your seat?

When you have to sit at a table for a meeting or lunch, where do you place yourself in relation to others? What seat do you choose?

How you stand

When you stand, what do you look like? Are you upright? Do you shift your feet around a lot? Do you move your hands around and fumble with things or touch your hair / tie / handbag / jewellery or never know what to do with your hands? Are you undermining your assertiveness by drawing attention away from the message to your body language?

Eye contact

Do you hesitate to make eye contact? Or when people make eye contact with you do you look away quickly / look down / stare / giggle / blush?

Flirting

Do you flirt to get your way? This can sometimes be seen as juvenile or manipulative behaviour. Neither of these are assertive.

What you wear

Assertiveness is really not about what you wear. But your physical appearance can detract from your assertiveness by sending the wrong message, causing people to 'switch off' or put you in a box that says: 'not important enough to listen to'. When you only have a few minutes to make an impression, what you wear and how you wear it is what people form an opinion about. Like it or not.

What clothes do you habitually wear? Casual, frayed jeans or a favourite worn jumper might be arty and interesting, but if you are working in a job where you meet CEO's and board members with status and expectations, unless your job is a creative one, your casual appearance might undermine your authority.

Are your clothes neat or falling apart? Clean or dirty? Buttons on or fallen off? If you work in an environment where you get grubby, do you wear your overalls in public or change into 'outdoor' clothes? Are your shoes scuffed and down at the heel or kept clean and in good condition?

How do you wear your hair? Is it neat or unruly? Tied up or left loose? Slicked back / cut close / or allowed to do whatever it wants? What message does it send about you? Is it the message you want to send?

Perhaps your outlook is that people should accept you for who you are, regardless of what you wear. True, but they will think they know who you are based on what you look like and how you carry yourself. If you don't want them to jump to the wrong conclusion you have to manage the impression you make. Choose what you wear according to the needs of the situation. If you only have a certain type of clothing - get what you need.

All these things are elements of your PR company. They all tell a story about you. Sometimes people read this story incorrectly. Mostly they 'get you' just by looking at you.

Get feedback to see what needs improvement

If you have some issues with assertiveness try to get some feedback on your body language and appearance. There may be elements of your physical 'PR' that are letting you down or decreasing your impact amongst people.

Do what you can for yourself (look in the mirror while talking on the phone, tape your voice reading a page from a magazine, listen to the sound of your voice when speaking in public).

Then get a friend or family member to help you with the rest. Make a short video of you doing a speech or presentation / moving around the room / sitting at a table, or in a straight-backed chair / talking to people in a public place.

If you spot a problem area, like slouching low in your chair, sitting on the edge, fidgeting or talking in a high-pitched or overly soft voice, ask friends and family to point out when you do it.

Try to get an idea of what you look like and sound like in various situations then compare it to the guide below.

A confident, assertive person with good self esteem looks and sounds like this:

Voice

Speaks clearly with a firm tone. Even in situations where a gentle tone of voice is needed, the tone is clear and firm.

Speaks loudly and clearly enough for people around a table or across a room to hear (according to what is needed). The sound of the voice is pleasant on the ear not too harsh or staged or strained.

Stance

Stands upright and appears calm without excessive fidgeting or fumbling.

Eye contact

Makes good eye contact. This means not looking away too quickly, nor staring too hard. It means matching the level of eye contact to the requirements of the situation. An open, friendly look usually works in most situations. For more detail on this you will have to have personal coaching or contact me with questions.

Clothing and grooming

Wears neat clothes appropriate to the occasion (even casual clothes are neat and clean). Neat clothes doesn't mean the most expensive designer wear or even new clothes. But it does mean clean, well-kept clothes. If you don't know how formal to dress for an event, ask.

Whatever your style is, having a presentable appearance 'advertises' that you care about yourself enough to take care of yourself. A sloppy, unkempt appearance advertises that you can't be bothered about how you look or are not able to care for yourself. Since everyone interacts with how you look, are you aware of the message you are sending them?

Has hair that is looks taken care of, whether neat, close cut or left loose and allowed to run wild to express 'personality'.

Sitting

Fills a chair, sitting confidently and upright (or open and relaxed, depending on the occasion and the chair :)

Filling a chair is harder for a small person than someone with a large frame. Have you noticed that larger / taller people automatically seem to command more authority? Height and size gain attention and create an impression. But large people can sometimes scrinch down in their chairs to minimize their size. Be yourself and be relaxed. Sit upright and fill your natural space.

If you are small, your posture and manner are what create the impression. Sit upright and centered and use the arms of your chair to take up more space. Keep your head upright and your shoulders square, don't slouch over the table. If you need to project authority in a business situation, keep your jacket on.

If you are large and need to take care not to intimidate, then push your chair slightly further back from the group or the other person. Keep your movements small rather than wide and large. Keep your voice neutral and warm, rather than loud and hard. Be aware of your facial expressions and let them be friendly.

Chooses a seat according to the dynamics and requirements of the situation. For example. If you are about to be interviewed, you might be shown to a particular chair, or set of chairs. Choose one diagonally opposite the interviewer, rather than directly opposite. Directly opposite may feel too 'intimate' and even challenging. If there is no table between you it can be quite uncomfortable, like standing too close to a person in public. Not an element you want to bring into an interview. Diagonally opposite has a more relaxed, comfortable effect that encourages easy communication.

If you are at an important meeting and are able to choose a seat, choose one a couple of chairs down from the leader of the meeting, rather than at the other end of the table. You will have more impact in the meeting if you are able to make eye contact with the person managing the proceedings or catch their eye through body language. These signals may be lost if you sit too far away, or even if you sit too close. Choose a seat at the 'head' of the table if you are going to manage the meeting. These are not hard-and-fast rules, but are tips that can assist you and your communication in a subtle way.

The same applies to choosing a seat in a public forum. Do you automatically go to the back row? If you want to make an impression, or have more impact, particularly if you have to speak, choose a seat where you will be more visible to the group.

Flirt alert

If you are accustomed to flirting in your relationships, or have a very jokey manner, take care with how you express this in business contexts. Flirting and joking might seem to work in building relationships, because people enjoy this kind of lightheartedness (depending on how it comes across). But both of these styles of interacting hold some danger for misinterpretation and could discourage people from taking you seriously. If you are trying to develop assertiveness and confidence, a more direct approach may work better.

If they're choosing the next accounts manager / team leader / head of production / financial adviser, who is likely to be recommended, the person who has presence and makes an impact, or the charming office flirt or resident clown?

Your level of assertiveness is reflected in your body language. But changes can be made from the inside out or the outside in. Changing your physical mannerisms to more confident, self-assured forms will actually help you feel more confident and express more assertiveness in your everyday life. Assertiveness is necessary for self esteem. So making improvements in this area will also help build self esteem.

Coming soon: more about verbal assertiveness