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29 Sept 2015

Yes, I chose all that I chose. I worked with what I was given in the way of resources, hope, intelligence, insight, understanding, family, connections, money. All of these had their limits. Some I only discovered after the fact.

Yes. Some decisions led to pain and suffering. Some contextual things I was given were painful, uncomfortable. These were the ingredients with which I baked my life. 

Yes, the oven was often faulty (there was an oven?) Yes, the ingredient list was problematic. Yes, I couldn't read the instructions. And yes, there were no instructions. 

So you see. Its messy. The 'marvelous messy middle' (ref SARK). Looking at another I can feel small, inadequate, stupid, half, unfortunate, shamed, scared, foolish, damaged, bruised. 

Or I can honour myself as I am. I can bow to all that I am. Everything. Judged every which way. Black and white. I can bow to it all. I can say thank you for the existence. Thank you for the experience. I take it all. I accept it all. (What choice do I have? It is done.)

I lay my old selves at my feet. I kiss each one in thanks. I am humbled at my own suffering. I am grateful for each moment of pleasure and joy. I bow to myself. I honour all that is. This is what I have available to me now. When all else fails, and you cannot move forward, move sideways.

I bow to myself for I have nothing else with which to answer. I am skinless, nameless. Only  my heart answers me. She says: 'Bow your head. Here, take this touchstone. Love us. Be free.'

She says in images: 'A waterfall. A canyon. Thickets. Dense growth. Difficult path. But deep, rich. A jungle. Life, death - the cycle in its entirety lives here. You are part of this awesome, terrifying beauty. Bow your head. Love us. Be still. Flow yourself, like the river. You are the riverbed. Dread nought. For all is as it is. Trust. Here, take this touchstone. Be still. Be quiet. Bow your head.'

And so I bow to myself and all that has come to pass. For this is all I have available to me, with which to answer. 

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